Happy Thoughts

I haven't been feeling myself lately. I went back to work last week. I think it was time, as I was feeling well and starting to climb the walls a bit after four weeks on leave for recovery. The fastest way to get through to October is to keep myself busy, and they are being very gentle with me at the office, for which I am very grateful.

Nevertheless, I'm exhausted. Not sleeping well, emotionally stressed, physically drained...and all of this leads to annoying little kinks here or there. I feel like my body is betraying me a bit and I'm not used to this. We've always had an understanding. I offer up regular and vigorous exercise, copious amounts of fruits and veggies, a touch of chocolate, moisturizer and sunscreen, and the occassional spa treatment. In exchange, my body is strong and capable, it tolerates extremes, including the occassional binge party weekend or grueling hike above tree line in ski boots, and it never fails me. Now however, I know that this next and final phase of chemo is critical, but I'm worried that I'm not going into it as strong as I did the first two phases of treatment.

So, I'm doing what I can - trying to get to bed earlier, reserve my energy during this last week before chemo begins again, focus on the positive, center myself.

All that said, it seemed like a good time to count the many things that have made me happy lately...

• The roses are in full bloom in the front yard, and the backyard is perfumed with honeysuckle and bee's balm. A family of humming birds have taken up residence in the yard and appear each night at twilight to feed - if you sit still and quiet at the edge of the flower bed, you can get a good look and they'll occassionally buzz up to inspect you.
• The power went out last night due to an explosion at the local substation. Though Steve is a bit like a caged animal without TV or air conditioning (pacing, growling, swatting at imaginary bugs) it was a lovely evening - we three sat in the backyard eating melting ice cream for dinner, searching for roly-poly bugs and blowing bubbles. Then we read bedtime stories by flashlight. Maybe we'll pretend the power is out more often.
• Donovan had many firsts this last week. His first ice cream headache, his first time running through the sprinkler, and his first really successful trip to the potty - each priceless.
• When I started back at work last week, my team welcomed me with a new photo to hang in my office - a framed version of the view from Greg's bench, which I talked about in an earlier post. Though I generally believe there is no crying in business, I couldn't help tear up. The thought and effort that went into the gift was tremendous.
• When wandering around the yard or on his way upstairs, Van will often look up, reach out and say 'Hold my hand, Mama.' So powerful...
• My husband tells me each day that he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. He is amazing.
• We saw Tom Petty and Joe Cocker last week at Red Rocks. An evening of classic tunes with good friends in a gorgeous outdoor setting is always good for the soul.